i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
