you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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