the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Randomize
