The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just want to make out with him forever
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
