I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
