True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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