my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
