i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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