my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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