Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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