First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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