i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
