Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize