My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
