he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
