I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
