i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
50% drunk capacity currently
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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