I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize