I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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