I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
