i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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