Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
