Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
