Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
