one two three fourrrrnication!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
