I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
