Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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