is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize