yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
