bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
