I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
