I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
