I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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