Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
