it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
