Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
