Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
