Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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