why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
