I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
