Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
