I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
