My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
