You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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