I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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