Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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