I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I believe in your delicious
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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