I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
