so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
