I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
