Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
