I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
