my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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