toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
