I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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