I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
