Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
