I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
