he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
