just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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