Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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