She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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