Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
